To err is human, to forgive is human too!

Posted on January 4, 2012 by admin

As a follow-up to my pre-holidays post about shame, I want to explore the subject of forgiveness. Of course I overdid it over the holidays, and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. I loved being with family and friends celebrating our connections and our love for each other. But I had a choice each time I put something in my mouth. “Is this enhancing my experience, or is this just overeating?” I had a variety of self answers. All were real, but some were self-destructive. And I was glad I could self-observe these times without much in the way of shame at that moment. Of course, the moments build up and now, as I review my experience, I note that I have the opportunity to forgive myself.

The winter holidays are traditionally a time of overindulgence for most people. After all, historically it was when we enjoyed our abundance and celebrated the turn of the seasons. It was important feedback to ourselves that we were surviving another year. In current times survival has of course given way to conspicuous consumption. Still at its heart, the holidays are an emotional trip for each of us. My tradition was to look forward with childlike anticipation to the holidays, savor everything, overdo the eating (or drinking or whatever), and then wind up on January 2 beating the hell out of myself for all I did. I entirely discounted the wonders and love of my experiences with family and friends, and the magic I felt. I concentrated so much on what was destructive, that I lost the special feelings of just being in that magic.

Big news flash! I’m a human being with all the glories and flaws associated with my species. They are all part of who I am and to deny them is to deny myself. I am not being the REAL ME when I strive for perfection. My mother, rest in peace my angel, used to introduce me as her “beautiful daughter, perfect in every way.” For decades to tried to be perfect and then beat myself up each time I missed the mark in some way. It wasn’t until quite late in her life and mine, that I finally learned what she meant; that I am perfect just as I am. I am perfectly me including all my weird and wonderful ways of being.

I’m not beautiful by any standards, but I AM a beautiful being. Sometimes I snore, sometimes I forget things, and sometimes I mess up a painting, a meal, a plant, or a phone call. I wear a Santa Hat during the holidays, I love purple. I burp after meals. AND, I am loved and respected by many, many people. AND, I am the happiest person I know. I live my life in love and creativity. How much more perfect could I want to be?

So, I’m learning that when I do something in my imperfection, I can forgive myself. It becomes easier the more I do it. The more I forgive, the less I criticize myself to begin with. My self-esteem strengthens in this mode. And so, the next time I’m facing a choice that could be constructive or destructive, I am more likely to choose what is best for me. But I won’t always, and that is me just being the perfectly human being that I am.

The bottom line is that I can adjust my traditional way of doing the holidays. I can accept and forgive myself with a light and self-loving heart. It is my choice. I look into the mirror and tell myself what Mom used to… that I am beautiful and perfect in every way. After all, she was Mom, and Mom knows best!

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For Shame!

Posted on November 19, 2011 by admin

I’ve thought a lot about the role of shame in my whole emotional makeup of eating disorder. It’s not a subject I deal with easily. When I was grossly obese, I was ashamed. Now that I’m only overweight, I’m ashamed. Yet, I saved my life by losing 150 pounds. And I’m very healthy. And I live my best life ever, right now. This brings me great joy. But there is still that undercurrent of shame.


When I wrote my book about my gastric bypass experience, I delved into the struggle between obesity as a disease, versus, obesity as a character flaw. Much of that originated over the many decades of hearing medical people lecture me on losing weight.

• “For Pete’s sake Diane, just push yourself away from the table!”
• “How can someone as smart as you be so stupid about your weight?”
• “You have a lovely face; don’t you want a nice looking body too?”
• “How are you going to snag a husband looking like that?”

This language is hurtful coming from those we expect to advise us. Back in the day, we thought doctors were real authority figures. Their word was unassailable. If they said it, it was true. Yes, my doctor has a medical education and experience that I must pay attention to. But that doesn’t mean he or she is emotionally mature enough to be sensitive to obesity as a systemic disease. Big surprise, doctors are human.

Of course, I got many more shame messages from the media where all is a fantasy of beautiful people who get richer and more beautiful with every passing day, almost without effort. On the surface, the fantasy-ness is obvious. But taken as a ubiquitous whole, in a constant bombardment, I know my subconscious is absorbing.

The root of my shame is how I chose to react to all these messages. Obviously, I took the low-self esteem route of thinking. It was already a decision making model from my four-year-old creative brain. It fit and for decades I flagellated myself with shame and the only way to shut out the noise was through the comfort eating brought me.

For twenty years, I’ve worked continually on my new decision making model to internalize the deep understanding that the choices are mine, and I can frame them to suit me. I am often quite successful with this and feel like I am growing clearer and stronger emotionally. I get that Misery is Optional. However, I still find myself feeling embarrassed by how I look now, or how I looked then, or just because I am not all perfect.

What I’ve finally learned though, is that embarrassment is the other side a shame. It’s an excuse to hide shame. My feeling of embarrassment is a message that I need to let go of shame. And I do. But it is a process not an event. I will need to use this lesson over and over, forever.

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Unconditional Love Starts in the Mirror

Posted on October 12, 2011 by admin

If I want to take excellent care of myself: mind, body and spirit, I need to love myself.  Self-love and respect is why I exercise, why I eat well, and why I surround myself with loving, respectful people. All of my weight issues in the past were built around a core of self-hatred and lack of self-respect. So my decades of dieting and struggle with my weight weren’t effective until I got deep into understanding this core of myself. I didn’t know how to love myself. And even now, I can’t explain specifically how I worked my way to it, except to say that I concentrated on love. I had to understand love and my relationship to it as a concept and as a deep-seated need.

Of all the many lessons I’ve learned about love, the best were taught to me by the wonderful dogs that have blessed my life over the years. Certainly, they were shining examples of unconditional love. I knew that with the first kiss of the first puppy I held in my arms.  Until about dog number three or four, I thought this unconditional love was a simple thing.

Then it began to dawn on me that I was a “different” person when interacting with my dogs, than I was when interacting with my own species. I noticed that I was giving unconditional love to them. And it wasn’t just a tit-for-tat exchange where scores are kept.  “OK other being, you give me two hours of unconditional love and I’ll give you two in return, but if you piss me off, your account reverts to zero!”

My love for each was the same, regardless of their behavior. Let me repeat that: REGARDLESS OF THEIR BEHAVIOR. And why was that? Because they were dogs, duh. Dogs are dogs, and they sometimes do things that are natural for them that we don’t care for. When that happens, we don’t reject them; we teach them different and go on loving them. In other words, we accept them for what they are, as they are, without prejudice. Unconditional love is unconditional acceptance.  ACCEPTANCE.  

OK, so it’s easy with dogs they are so loveable. But what about people? People are pretty loveable when they are small and puppy-like and we pretty much accept them for what they are.  But then as they grow older we begin to not accept them when they do things we may not approve. Leaving aside our responsibility as parents to navigate these treacherous waters to keep them safe, how do we manage to dislike the purple hair yet still hold unconditional love for the child? This is more complicated than acceptance with our dog, but we still manage to do it. After a few turbulent years, we can even see real, respect-worthy people emerging from the “attitude with appetite” beings we raised. The underlying strength is our unconditional love for them.

Now look in the mirror. Why on earth would I not show this precious person the unconditional love and acceptance and room to grow that I’ve shown to dogs and babies? Each time they do something “wrong”, we forgive them, accept them for what they are, and keep giving them unconditional love. Yet this is the single, most difficult thing we do for ourselves. Why ARE we so hard on ourselves? When we continue to be this way, the pressure builds. And before we know it something must give. We must comfort ourselves to numb the truth of how badly we are treating ourselves. Comfort? Food! Or any other addiction of choice. Anything besides FORGIVENESS, ACCEPTANCE and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

We are only human as they are only children and dogs. We aren’t perfect. We can’t expect to be perfect.  Why do I hold myself to such an impossible level of perfection knowing I can never reach it? Would I do that to someone else? Of course not.  It is up to me to consider the wonderful person I am, unique and full of flaws. It is up to me to hold myself in a place of forgiveness and acceptance and unconditional love. And I can do it. It takes practice. It takes introspection. It takes mirror time. And I can do it. Why? Because I am worthy beyond measure. That’s why!

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Sweet Comfort

Posted on September 27, 2011 by admin

Let’s talk about comfort. This concept is especially tricky when it comes to those of us whose drug of choice is food. At some level, when we turn to our addiction, we are looking for comfort. When we are stressed, sad, hurt, grieving, unhappy or fearful, we are prone to seek comfort. I believe this is universal in all people. As when we were babies, it was a simple path from hurt to Mom’s or Dad’s comfort to regained happiness. Just think about all those “make it better” kisses.
This need for comfort never leaves us, but somehow, we won’t be honest enough to ask for the kisses, and/or maybe our parents think we are too old for that. And perhaps our more adult brain tells us that comfort isn’t as simple as a little parental loving. Our subconscious does like things to be complicated so our conscious brain won’t get wise to it.
So here we are fully formed, “mature” adults and not for a minute will we admit that we need comfort. So we deny and try to ignore it. Which works for a while, but it is inevitable that some kind of sneaky comfort-seeking strategy will work its way into our lives, pushed there by a subconscious that MUST have comfort. And if I, as a self-aware person, am not paying attention, then it will express itself destructively through any means it can get away with. That’s when I wake up to discover I am in real trouble with my weight because of decades of comforting my inner self with one of the more acceptable addictions; food.
I imagine it is the same with alcoholics or people addicted to other substances, or to work, or to sex or… or…or…you name it. To be comforted is to be numbed to any and all hurt, whether it came from outside of us or straight from our own inner selves. It is as simple as that and as complex as each unique person in the universe. I eat to be comforted. It is a choice. I could lose weight if I switched to another addiction, but I wouldn’t get to the heart of the problem. How can I comfort myself? It is a real and important human need. We need Mommy to kiss it and make it better no matter how old we get.
So how do we choose constructive comforts over destructive comforts? That’s the million dollar question. But the first step is for me to realize when I am reaching for food because I need to feed my body versus the difference when I reach for food for comfort. Only when I develop that ability can I teach myself to make different choices. And that, in a nutshell, is my message to the universe.
Diane

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Down in the Slime

Posted on September 9, 2011 by admin

OK, I eat something I know I shouldn’t and feel what I call “slime” as a result. My definition of slime is whatever feelings of guilt, shame, regret or other negative emotional reading I can detect inside myself. But the more I understand myself, the more opportunity I have to live in integrity with myself…what I call “without slime”. A day spent in and with my personal integrity is a joy and I go to bed that night feeling serene.
Serenity as a word means something unique to me. You might want to explore what it means for you. It could mean peaceful, calm, repose, placidity, tranquility, quiet….etc. Visions of floating on marshmallow clouds with angels singing sweetly come to mind from the dictionary. I use it in conversation with my sub-conscious as that state of being slime-less, so to understand that, I’ll attempt to define “slime”.
For me, slime is that feeling of being off my integrity or not being my real, honest, true self. To simplify I see a set of opposing states on a continuum. And the closer I am to the positive end of the continuum the better I feel. The states could reflect how I feel overall, or, they could apply to one part of my life like a relationship, or activities, or my view of myself.
Let’s play with the concept. For example, I can choose to feel guilty about something I did in my past or I can choose to accept it as part of me (own it) and get on with my life, not giving any emotional energy to that feeling of guilt. Regardless of the facts of the past, I have the choice of how I want to feel about it.
GUILT <—–>ACCEPTANCE
SHAME <—–> FORGIVENESS
HATE <—–> LOVE
SELF-HATE <—–> SELF-LOVE
LIVING A LIE <—–> LIVING MY TRUTH
LIE <—–>AUTHENTICITY
FEAR <—–> COURAGE
WORRY <—–> PEACE
ANGER <—–> SERENITY
As I review these pairings, I can easily see that they may be unique to me also. Your pairs might be different. The value of looking at them is to again remind ourselves that our emotions do live on multi-level, multi-dimensional continuums. Their very complexity is what makes my journey the work of my lifetime, never ending, but always full of very gratifying “ah HA!” moments. These are the stepping stones by which I learn to make better choices, before I take action. Try examining your own and look for your own meaning. There will be information there for your own growth.
If you’d like to look more deeply into some word-related thinking, and the words we use ARE important because our sub-conscious is listening, check out some of these links to my previous writings.
Courage…. http://www.wolf-mark.com/pdf/Newletter%20pdfs/CourageJan07.pdf

Integrity… http://www.wolf-mark.com/pdf/Newletter%20pdfs/KeepIntegrityJan06.pdf

Truth… http://www.wolf-mark.com/pdf/Newletter%20pdfs/AfterTheMomentOfTruthAug08.pdf

Coping… http://www.wolf-mark.com/pdf/Newletter%20pdfs/WhatToDoWhenLifeHappens07.09.pdf

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Don’t Worry, Be Happy!

Posted on August 2, 2011 by admin

Recently I told someone not to worry about something. I guess I wasn’t paying close attention as I realized that it was a copout thing to say, as if I was trivializing what the person was worried about. This sent me yet again into examining a word more deeply to see if there was insight for me.
When I think about worry, I believe that I am looking either at the past or the future. “I did something I’m not proud of in my youth and therefore I shouldn’t expect much today….what if there’s an earthquake? …what if he/she doesn’t like me? …I’ve always gained back weight so I won’t try any more … I couldn’t do that last week, what makes me think I can do it this week? …what if I’m pregnant? …what if I’m not? …I tried that once and failed so I won’t bother again… what if I lose my job?” Certainly there are some heavy-duty things to worry about, especially with our media having a field day of cataloging the many, many things we have to fear. “Be afraid, be very afraid!”
But I believe that fear and shame keep us in the worry mode of yesterday (shame) and tomorrow(fear) which distracts us from the very best place to be which is here and now. The trite version of this is “just live in the moment.” I don’t find that version useful to me. I have to better understand that the past and future have a place in my world, but that I don’t need to linger there. I choose to spend my precious time being as present as I am able at any given moment.
A late, great couple, Randy and Judy Revell, taught me how to “hold the vision, while taking care of what is in front of me.” Yes, I want be present with my art every moment of today, but I do need to pay the bills that are due…so I ensure that happens today as well. I won’t say there is nothing to worry about in my life. I have my share of concerns.
To keep these concerns in perspective, I examine them in the light of control. My ability to analyze what is within my control to change (pay the bills) versus what is not (maybe an earthquake will happen right here) is my best tool. I’ve chosen, along with most other people on the West Coast, to live in an area that has earthquakes. I know there is a chance I may experience one close to home that becomes a tragedy for me. I also know the odds are in my favor because I’m not living directly on/near a fault zone. I know that the benefits of living in a beautiful place that feeds my spirit is more important to my well being than most kinds of risk. AND, most important, I know that I will be able to deal with whatever comes my way because I have confidence in my abilities and my vision of living a creative life. I am aware of the risk, but I never dwell (worry) on it. So I don’t worry, and I AM happy!

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Love that Spam!

Posted on July 17, 2011 by admin

What I’m learning here is how to receive comments and approve them for posting. Most of what I receive to approve is spam. I guess that’s par for the course. Just like most of my snail-mail goes straight to recycle. It’s part of my being open to the world. I could choose to be angry at so many unsolicited messages, OR, I can choose to be glad that amongst the junk might be something I value from someone I can help, or can help me. I can’t connect with the world selectively. Being open is an all or nothing proposition. Freedom to communicate means that I can reach out to anyone, and it also means that anyone else can do the same. I prefer the freedom, therefore I choose to accept that there are messages I will bypass as the price to stay open to the jewels that will shine on my life.

Examining a small piece of my life like this, helps me understand other pieces. Because, how I do one part of my life (my approach) is how I do all the parts of my life. This part, connection, is very important to me. I have in my life done things I wish I hadn’t in order to achieve connection with someone or something. Now I understand better that I must have connection, AND, that it is totally my choice how I decide to connect with other people, other animals and other things. It doesn’t mean I make the best choices all the time, but it does mean that I grow more skilled over time in obeserving myself and the choices I make.

So, this fine Sunday morning I observe myself deleting spam, and choosing to smile and realize what a small price it is to pay for my being connected to the world. What choices are you making this morning? Misery is optional, Diane

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Learning is a State of Mind

Posted on July 10, 2011 by admin

So today I learned another new thing about this blog world…how to approve comments. Slowly I’m adding new layers of understanding of how to interact with the world in new ways. Some days I can easily fall into my “I’m too old to learn all this new stuff” trap. It takes effort to learn. It takes persistence. It takes courage to experiment in this online world what with people who are up to no good. But when I think about it, the same could be said for the “real world” for millenia. I certainly won’t walk in certain areas by myself. I won’t carry myself like a victim. I don’t invite attention by flashing money around. When I hold myself able, I can use my common sense to do whatever I need to do. AND, I can ask for help when I need it. Like I asked my business partner, who is much younger and much more internet savvy than myself. With a few words she helped my light up my brain and get on with the business at hand.

My relationship with my weight is like this. If I convince myself it’s too difficult to make different health choices, then it will be too difficult, and I’ll never change. But if I hold myself as able, then I will be able, and I can take back my own power over my choices. Such a simple concept, but so long a lifetime to understand it deeply within myself. And that’s why I’m dedicated to helping others understand it, hopefully in earlier years than I did! What do you think? Diane

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Where Are We Going?

Posted on June 23, 2011 by admin

What I am finally learning is that I don’t have to know specifically how my vision is going to manifest. I just need to know that my intention is to reach that community of people who know deep inside that their relationship with their weight is not good. I want to start a conversation with this community about our mutual journey. I want to see if I can help anyone else along the path I’ve taken. I don’t have answers, but I have some darned good questions. My business partner and I have some great material for introspection around weight. We are experimenting with putting them out into the market in multiple forms, through mutiple methods. We hope to get better at our direction when we’ve heard from people about what they need. I think this consumer-driven business model makes intellectual sense. Now I just have to accept emotionally that I may not have control over our direction. And, by the way, how exciting is that? Misery is optional, Diane

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New Beginnings

Posted on June 14, 2011 by admin

New beginnings for my passion to explore the Why of Weight, brings me to needing to learn how to work this blog thing. Once I get past my fear of looking silly, and my resistance to what sounds like work, I realize that what I’m doing is talking to people I have great empathy with; the obese and formerly obese. No one knows what it’s like to live in an obese body like someone who has been there. I have and am looking forward to beginning this effort to engage us in exploring the emotional side of why we are obese. Watch this space for more!

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