The winter holidays are traditionally a time of overindulgence for most people. After all, historically it was when we enjoyed our abundance and celebrated the turn of the seasons. It was important feedback to ourselves that we were surviving another year. In current times survival has of course given way to conspicuous consumption. Still at its heart, the holidays are an emotional trip for each of us. My tradition was to look forward with childlike anticipation to the holidays, savor everything, overdo the eating (or drinking or whatever), and then wind up on January 2 beating the hell out of myself for all I did. I entirely discounted the wonders and love of my experiences with family and friends, and the magic I felt. I concentrated so much on what was destructive, that I lost the special feelings of just being in that magic.

Big news flash! I’m a human being with all the glories and flaws associated with my species. They are all part of who I am and to deny them is to deny myself. I am not being the REAL ME when I strive for perfection. My mother, rest in peace my angel, used to introduce me as her “beautiful daughter, perfect in every way.” For decades to tried to be perfect and then beat myself up each time I missed the mark in some way. It wasn’t until quite late in her life and mine, that I finally learned what she meant; that I am perfect just as I am. I am perfectly me including all my weird and wonderful ways of being.

I’m not beautiful by any standards, but I AM a beautiful being. Sometimes I snore, sometimes I forget things, and sometimes I mess up a painting, a meal, a plant, or a phone call. I wear a Santa Hat during the holidays, I love purple. I burp after meals. AND, I am loved and respected by many, many people. AND, I am the happiest person I know. I live my life in love and creativity. How much more perfect could I want to be?

So, I’m learning that when I do something in my imperfection, I can forgive myself. It becomes easier the more I do it. The more I forgive, the less I criticize myself to begin with. My self-esteem strengthens in this mode. And so, the next time I’m facing a choice that could be constructive or destructive, I am more likely to choose what is best for me. But I won’t always, and that is me just being the perfectly human being that I am.

The bottom line is that I can adjust my traditional way of doing the holidays. I can accept and forgive myself with a light and self-loving heart. It is my choice. I look into the mirror and tell myself what Mom used to… that I am beautiful and perfect in every way. After all, she was Mom, and Mom knows best!

When I wrote my book about my gastric bypass experience, I delved into the struggle between obesity as a disease, versus, obesity as a character flaw. Much of that originated over the many decades of hearing medical people lecture me on losing weight.

• “For Pete’s sake Diane, just push yourself away from the table!”
• “How can someone as smart as you be so stupid about your weight?”
• “You have a lovely face; don’t you want a nice looking body too?”
• “How are you going to snag a husband looking like that?”

This language is hurtful coming from those we expect to advise us. Back in the day, we thought doctors were real authority figures. Their word was unassailable. If they said it, it was true. Yes, my doctor has a medical education and experience that I must pay attention to. But that doesn’t mean he or she is emotionally mature enough to be sensitive to obesity as a systemic disease. Big surprise, doctors are human.

Of course, I got many more shame messages from the media where all is a fantasy of beautiful people who get richer and more beautiful with every passing day, almost without effort. On the surface, the fantasy-ness is obvious. But taken as a ubiquitous whole, in a constant bombardment, I know my subconscious is absorbing.

The root of my shame is how I chose to react to all these messages. Obviously, I took the low-self esteem route of thinking. It was already a decision making model from my four-year-old creative brain. It fit and for decades I flagellated myself with shame and the only way to shut out the noise was through the comfort eating brought me.

For twenty years, I’ve worked continually on my new decision making model to internalize the deep understanding that the choices are mine, and I can frame them to suit me. I am often quite successful with this and feel like I am growing clearer and stronger emotionally. I get that Misery is Optional. However, I still find myself feeling embarrassed by how I look now, or how I looked then, or just because I am not all perfect.

What I’ve finally learned though, is that embarrassment is the other side a shame. It’s an excuse to hide shame. My feeling of embarrassment is a message that I need to let go of shame. And I do. But it is a process not an event. I will need to use this lesson over and over, forever.

Of all the many lessons I’ve learned about love, the best were taught to me by the wonderful dogs that have blessed my life over the years. Certainly, they were shining examples of unconditional love. I knew that with the first kiss of the first puppy I held in my arms.  Until about dog number three or four, I thought this unconditional love was a simple thing.

Then it began to dawn on me that I was a “different” person when interacting with my dogs, than I was when interacting with my own species. I noticed that I was giving unconditional love to them. And it wasn’t just a tit-for-tat exchange where scores are kept.  “OK other being, you give me two hours of unconditional love and I’ll give you two in return, but if you piss me off, your account reverts to zero!”

My love for each was the same, regardless of their behavior. Let me repeat that: REGARDLESS OF THEIR BEHAVIOR. And why was that? Because they were dogs, duh. Dogs are dogs, and they sometimes do things that are natural for them that we don’t care for. When that happens, we don’t reject them; we teach them different and go on loving them. In other words, we accept them for what they are, as they are, without prejudice. Unconditional love is unconditional acceptance.  ACCEPTANCE.  

OK, so it’s easy with dogs they are so loveable. But what about people? People are pretty loveable when they are small and puppy-like and we pretty much accept them for what they are.  But then as they grow older we begin to not accept them when they do things we may not approve. Leaving aside our responsibility as parents to navigate these treacherous waters to keep them safe, how do we manage to dislike the purple hair yet still hold unconditional love for the child? This is more complicated than acceptance with our dog, but we still manage to do it. After a few turbulent years, we can even see real, respect-worthy people emerging from the “attitude with appetite” beings we raised. The underlying strength is our unconditional love for them.

Now look in the mirror. Why on earth would I not show this precious person the unconditional love and acceptance and room to grow that I’ve shown to dogs and babies? Each time they do something “wrong”, we forgive them, accept them for what they are, and keep giving them unconditional love. Yet this is the single, most difficult thing we do for ourselves. Why ARE we so hard on ourselves? When we continue to be this way, the pressure builds. And before we know it something must give. We must comfort ourselves to numb the truth of how badly we are treating ourselves. Comfort? Food! Or any other addiction of choice. Anything besides FORGIVENESS, ACCEPTANCE and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

We are only human as they are only children and dogs. We aren’t perfect. We can’t expect to be perfect.  Why do I hold myself to such an impossible level of perfection knowing I can never reach it? Would I do that to someone else? Of course not.  It is up to me to consider the wonderful person I am, unique and full of flaws. It is up to me to hold myself in a place of forgiveness and acceptance and unconditional love. And I can do it. It takes practice. It takes introspection. It takes mirror time. And I can do it. Why? Because I am worthy beyond measure. That’s why!

Integrity… http://www.wolf-mark.com/pdf/Newletter%20pdfs/KeepIntegrityJan06.pdf

Truth… http://www.wolf-mark.com/pdf/Newletter%20pdfs/AfterTheMomentOfTruthAug08.pdf

Coping… http://www.wolf-mark.com/pdf/Newletter%20pdfs/WhatToDoWhenLifeHappens07.09.pdf

Examining a small piece of my life like this, helps me understand other pieces. Because, how I do one part of my life (my approach) is how I do all the parts of my life. This part, connection, is very important to me. I have in my life done things I wish I hadn’t in order to achieve connection with someone or something. Now I understand better that I must have connection, AND, that it is totally my choice how I decide to connect with other people, other animals and other things. It doesn’t mean I make the best choices all the time, but it does mean that I grow more skilled over time in obeserving myself and the choices I make.

So, this fine Sunday morning I observe myself deleting spam, and choosing to smile and realize what a small price it is to pay for my being connected to the world. What choices are you making this morning? Misery is optional, Diane

My relationship with my weight is like this. If I convince myself it’s too difficult to make different health choices, then it will be too difficult, and I’ll never change. But if I hold myself as able, then I will be able, and I can take back my own power over my choices. Such a simple concept, but so long a lifetime to understand it deeply within myself. And that’s why I’m dedicated to helping others understand it, hopefully in earlier years than I did! What do you think? Diane